This is stunning, Alexander. It begins like a dream with snapshots of memories and then turns far darker as a potentially kind gesture twists into something grim and awful. Brilliantly done 👍🏼
Very much agree, Dan. Had the same feelings as I read through this.
Strong stuff, Alexander. Really excellent.
Random thought as I read: my brain wants to default to "A hunger he could not sate" rather than "satiate", but I feel both are grammatically correct and I think your choice is the more literary correct version.
Thanks, Nathan. Good observation about sate/satiate. I can only surmise that in lieu of the excessive nature of the desire in question my mind went straight to satiate.
Satiate is the most common usage and sounds right to me, BUT maybe sometimes we would choose the unexpected version "sate" for effect, especially in an off-centered story like this one? Satisfy would have worked well, too.
I like this discussion, nerd out on words, we're word nerds after all, we need to sate that urge, satiate that itch to find the spot that satisfies our syllabic endeavour to the utmost mostest.😅 I'll stick with satiate, I think, after having tried various versions out aloud, I like it the most. Always read out loud, I say. Vital.
I agree 100%. Prose must also be poetry. I keep reading it aloud until there are no rough edges. However, I don't seem to be succeeding at voiceovers, yet.
"He remembered the chains. The chair..." Holy crap, Ipfelkofer! That sure turned dark. No - I mean DARK. Really dark. You scare me to death sometimes. I am not at all sure I would want to meet you late at night somewhere...
I also write children stories! Esp. late at night, sometimes... actually, I had one ready but decided to leave it in the drawer, for now. Fear makes for fascinating reading. Write what scares you, if you keep worrying what others might think then you're not digging deep enough, set your voice free, it may scare the shit out of you. Good, stay there, dig deeper. Write it down. I could quote any number of famous writers who have said something similar along those lines.
Thanks, Kate. Yes, that paragraph, the climax... in simple terms (Freytag's pyramid) we have exposition, complication (rising action), then the life sucking climax, a resolution and denouement, but do we have a conclusion? Do we need one?
Always. Without fail. As Hitchcock put it: "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it. Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."
I can hear it…a falsetto indie alternative male voice…”till you went cold” or almost those words but Google is not helping. More the way it’s sung. It’s on one of my playlists and will appear!
Visceral
Thank you, Patris!
This is stunning, Alexander. It begins like a dream with snapshots of memories and then turns far darker as a potentially kind gesture twists into something grim and awful. Brilliantly done 👍🏼
Thanks, Dan. A fragment of a longer piece I had in mind a long time ago. Appreciate the kind words!
Okay... I don't think this needs a longer piece. Terrifying enough just as it is. Brilliant.
😅🙏
Very much agree, Dan. Had the same feelings as I read through this.
Strong stuff, Alexander. Really excellent.
Random thought as I read: my brain wants to default to "A hunger he could not sate" rather than "satiate", but I feel both are grammatically correct and I think your choice is the more literary correct version.
Thanks, Nathan. Good observation about sate/satiate. I can only surmise that in lieu of the excessive nature of the desire in question my mind went straight to satiate.
I'm being picky and it's just personal preference I think. My brain went in one direction 😆
Not picky, observant! Which is great and rhymes with sate. This is good feedback!
Haha ;)
🙏
Satiate is the most common usage and sounds right to me, BUT maybe sometimes we would choose the unexpected version "sate" for effect, especially in an off-centered story like this one? Satisfy would have worked well, too.
I like this discussion, nerd out on words, we're word nerds after all, we need to sate that urge, satiate that itch to find the spot that satisfies our syllabic endeavour to the utmost mostest.😅 I'll stick with satiate, I think, after having tried various versions out aloud, I like it the most. Always read out loud, I say. Vital.
I agree 100%. Prose must also be poetry. I keep reading it aloud until there are no rough edges. However, I don't seem to be succeeding at voiceovers, yet.
Your own preference is 100% what matters, but it's lovely that you're happy to see this discussion.
You're right, that works too.
Alexander, I'm glad you don't mind us nerding out of the choice of a single word ;)
This is the way, we need to! It is paramount! Words, all the best words.
Word Nerds of the world- unite!
Well, I won't be going swimming today.
Thanks for reading, Mark! Do the toe test before you jump in ;)
Love this. Felt the anxiety and the end hit hard
Thanks, Will. Happy to hear you liked it.
Very dark indeed, A - I'm imagining a heart, dusted with sand like sugar on a cookie... 😈❤️🍪
https://youtu.be/v0nmHymgM7Y?si=Q0iTipCeWTikG9ll
You want it darker... we kill the flame.
"He remembered the chains. The chair..." Holy crap, Ipfelkofer! That sure turned dark. No - I mean DARK. Really dark. You scare me to death sometimes. I am not at all sure I would want to meet you late at night somewhere...
I also write children stories! Esp. late at night, sometimes... actually, I had one ready but decided to leave it in the drawer, for now. Fear makes for fascinating reading. Write what scares you, if you keep worrying what others might think then you're not digging deep enough, set your voice free, it may scare the shit out of you. Good, stay there, dig deeper. Write it down. I could quote any number of famous writers who have said something similar along those lines.
This is great advice, Alexander. I have written only one piece about what I fear. A two-minute story. https://sharronbassano.substack.com/p/access
I will dig deeper to see what is in there...
Yep. I remember, I have read it.
Woah! What did she do to him? It sounds like he felt trapped in a relationship that at first was beautiful and then turned ugly.
And who is she? So many questions, so little answers, although, some questions we may not dare ask...
Wonderful!
You create a really strong rhythm along with the imagery, especially around the line “…sucking all life from him…”.
Thanks, Kate. Yes, that paragraph, the climax... in simple terms (Freytag's pyramid) we have exposition, complication (rising action), then the life sucking climax, a resolution and denouement, but do we have a conclusion? Do we need one?
Sometimes the conclusion is better found in the heads of the reader, right?
Always. Without fail. As Hitchcock put it: "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it. Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."
Yeeeow! Right on.
We don't need one!
And the final phrase has me thinking of a song and I just can't pinpoint which one. I've searched...I will let you know if I can find it.
"Cold Water" by Damien Rice? O, love that album. 2002. 22 years ago, whaaat?
It's not that, but I love that, too! He's great.
Well, now I need to know! 😅
One day, you’ll receive it in your inbox 😆
I can hear it…a falsetto indie alternative male voice…”till you went cold” or almost those words but Google is not helping. More the way it’s sung. It’s on one of my playlists and will appear!
Brilliant! A very good read, it invoked images in my head I could not stop. Your writing is awesome.
Thank you, Ika. So glad you liked it. 🙏